i caught my 7 year old trying to bust my monitoring password. it wasn't too sophistcated of a scheme, and the site he was trying to get to wasn't a real bad one, but i came down on him pretty hard over just the idea of trying to beat a password.

overall, my philosophy is like that of many companies. i own the computer, i own the subscriptions to get online. i own the house, pay for the electricity, etc, etc...the way i see it, i own everything i am giving him permission to use. therefore, everything is subject to search and /or seizure at any time.

i don't actively "spy" but i always reserve the right and offer no apologies for any perceived breach of privacy. the pc he uses is in a public place and i or his mom can look over his shoulder (and we do occasionally in passing) and see what he's up to. but at this point, i have never seen anything that would even cause me to suspect anything further.

overall, my philosophy is like that of many companies. i own the computer, i own the subscriptions to get online. i own the house, pay for the electricity, etc, etc...the way i see it, i own everything i am giving him permission to use. therefore, everything is subject to search and /or seizure at any time.

My feelings exactally

but at this point, i have never seen anything that would even cause me to suspect anything further.

I'm sure you will see him somewhere you would rather he did not go at some point, and this will reqwuire a talk. Don't be surprised if you have to conceal a smirk though during your "talk".

Actually, I found my experience with Shelby and her use of the internet quite introspective. It gave me a better understanding about the way my child (most likely not to much different than any other femal child) thinks on many different levels.

Kinda interesting how not only did you know how to find it, but also how long it took to download and how to convert it. Hmmm, wonder what you were up to on the Internet in 1992

In 1992 I was 27 years-old. I looked at porn than, as I still do occasionally. I was also alfa-testing Netscape about that time as well. I was using appl like Pine for email, and used BBS's. I read articles in news groups.

I can tell you I do a heck of a lot more on the net these days at 6Mb/sec than i did back then at 2400 baud.

Until your kids are 18, you have a responsibility to protect them from the dangers of the "real world" as well as the internet which for those of you who are reading this know, is just an extension of the one in which we live. Ethical or not, being a responsible parent requires that you develop and guide responsible children.

Amen!

Kids just aren't able to do this well as young ages, thats why they need parents as guides.

To not do so is more dangerous then letting your kids surf online with no supervison at all. The problem isn't with some parents, or even most, it's with the few that don't equip their "Great kid" with the skills to deal with the world as they grow up.

Nice.

I really shouldn't make comments at the end of a graveyard shift!

Get some sleep and come back!

Young kids can be put on the wrong path at an early age and create an uphill battle for parents who aren't on the ball during the early development years. It's just good common sense that doesn't seem to be so common anymore. If your kids aren't old enough to ride their bike more then a mile from the house they aren't old enough to surf the net without any supervison.

In highschool, for me this was 1996-2000, we had this stupid program called Bess "the censorship beaver" (there was a little icon of this toothy beaver winking at you at the top letting you know all was safe for us kids) Meanwhile Columbine was happening, it was a year after the Oklahoma City Bombing, and we were getting a less sheltered dose of reality and how life isn't all cuddly and fun all the time. Anyway this was really lame surfing if you were researching STD's which is always a hot topic in highschool as teenagers become sexually active or at least expriment as well as anything on death, assination for example, no way were you going to find out about JFK because of that bastard BESS.

For young kids this is great, absolute and total censorship of certain topics. Why? Because of the possible irreparable harm that can be caused. Also a child's mental and emotional state is something they are still learning to control and damaging and upsetting content to which they haven't been exposed in any way before, certainly without any preparation is difficult to deal with.

But for young adults, teenagers, people basically with some sophistication, they need to be able to make the decision to choose to learn about what they want to learn about. Facts about drugs, and sex, and world events, the beheadings overseas and the shock tactics being perpertrated by terrorists and the insurgency, stuff like this needs to be known before these kids who want to grow up to be soldiers know what they are getting into. Maybe not in a public highschool because of the liability issues, but in a public library censorship shouldn't be a part of the process, and on someone's personal computer at home there shouldn't ever be censorship. It's just plain wrong and Un-American. Parents need to feel comfortable too. Open dialogue is what is important, frank discussions and honesty about their feelings and their kids feelings are important. Life requires parents to have "the talk" about sex, but also about drugs, about pressure from peers, about reporting school violence and gun bs before stuff happens if they know stuff, about doing the right thing, about becomming the person they want to become and not letting outward influences make their choices for them.

The internet is a great tool. You can google anything and know it in under 2-5 min stuff that you'd have to drive to a library and delve for possibly for hours for. You can buy anything that is made, online. You can also communicate with people from anyplace online. These are great things but with these capabilities are the dangers of online predators, the fact that basically anyone online could be phishing for your personal data, or a missing piece of your data, something that lets them know when you won't be home, or where you live, or something you don't think is important that they can use to gain access to a bunch of your personal identity stuff. There is so much online crime because it's like the wild west out here right now. Online cheaters in games are one thing but online cheaters in Russia who are working from a $100 a month apartment today, and make a few hundred thousand dollars overnight, only to up and leave before anybody can catch them is another. The threats are real, the dangers are out there, nobody is in the business of protecting you if you are not in the business of protecting yourself and your kin.

overall, my philosophy is like that of many companies. i own the computer, i own the subscriptions to get online. i own the house, pay for the electricity, etc, etc...the way i see it, i own everything i am giving him permission to use. therefore, everything is subject to search and /or seizure at any time.

hahahah this was so us with our kids. I don't know how many times I told my kids that our house was not run by democracy. It was a dictatorship and I was the dictator.......

I read your article this morning before I recognized your name as the meanie who visited my blog today :: (No hard feelings at all.) I want to tell you that I plan to use your strategy as a guide when the time comes to set my own children free on the internet:

I told her straight off what kinds of “bad” things she may run across while surfing. I told her what she was allowed to do, and what she was not allowed to do. Basically, I explained much of what I know could possibly cause her harm as a result of dealing with certain people online. I explained she was a big girl now, and I felt she was responsible enough to surf the internet, and use a computer of her own. I made it very clear that I would be making sure she kept up to my expectations, and would monitor her PC usage regularly. When she asked me why, I told her, “because I love you kiddo, and I don’t want anything harmful coming your way”. I showed her what she could and could not do on her PC. I set up an email account and an IM for her, and then showed her how to use them. I enabled some parental controls to help keep off the porn. I also told her I had set up monitoring software that allows me to see exactly what she does while online. I told her if she abused any part of what I told her, she would begin losing PC privileges until she could show me she was responsible enough to have them back. I then took her to my PC and showed her that I could in fact see EVERYTHING she did. I made it very clear that should she step outside our agreement, I would strap her PC so tight she may as well not use it. She agreed.

IMO that's good stuff. But I also agree with someone's earlier comment that all computers should be in a communal family area, even if you've got remote monitoring equipment. There's no reason to have a computer in a bedroom. Who wants to be distracted from sleeping?

That was my object MM, to place as few physical restrictions as possible leaving the rest up to her.It was a test sorta. I was very satisfied withe the results, and still am

Even with the tools out there to protect "the Child", there are scumbags out there that sound like "adorable kids", act out like "adorable kids", sound like they have dreams of "adorable kids", even talk about how careful they have to be, because there are terrible "boogeymen/women" out there that are very bad and we have to be careful because they can find out where we live and when Mommy and Daddy go to the store, or a movie, they might get in the house and hurt us or maybe even take us away from our safe home,... So that even someone on guard would LOVE to have them associate with your PRECIOUS Child. And when they are talking about those bad people finding out that they live in my town, on my street, in my safe pretty house unknowingly giving that scumbag all the info he/she/IT! all the info they have been spending months to get. If you ever get scared you call me and I'll call the police and come over with my strong Daddy and we'll catch him and save you.---HOOK SET, REEL IN TARGET!I'm, sorry but, I say SPY and be proud that you value your Childs life and welfare, much more that hurt feelings or any type of trusting bonds! I'm just an old disabled NamVet, who couldn't adjust to the world when I came "home", so I commercial fished until my body just said enough! I've done things I shouldn't have done and been places I wouldn't wish on an enemy! None of what I did had to do with kids, it was more along the lines of drugs and the getting of them because I couldn't live with my history in Nam. But being in certain "State Paid" housing I met some of those scum and they seemed like the sweetest ol' grandfathers, and dads and it was hard to figure out how they ended up there. Then after awhile some of my "friendly associates" (Brotherhood) educated me and I ended up spending more...uummm...vacation-time because I couldn't stand the site of the scumbag,predatory trash. And I didn't mind the extra time because they didn't deserve to get just a couple years and then out they would have gone to ruin, or even end the lives of our Precious Children! So, YES, I say spy and do it dilligently, for the sake of your children and Family as a whole, because when necessary the scum will go right through you to get to their prey. Bill

I read your article this morning before I recognized your name as the meanie who visited my blog today :: (No hard feelings at all.) I want to tell you that I plan to use your strategy as a guide when the time comes to set my own children free on the internet:

But I also agree with someone's earlier comment that all computers should be in a communal family area, even if you've got remote monitoring equipment.

Every parent HAS to do what they feel is the right thing. Shelby is an only child, and my tact is to give her nearly all the freedoms of an adult, until she shows me shes to young to have those freedoms. She has a lot of freedom for a kid, but she rarely gets into trouble and rarely abuses her freedom. Its not very often she needs to be restricted.

There's no reason to have a computer in a bedroom. Who wants to be distracted from sleeping?

Yeah, I see some others feel the same, and I can see the wisdom in this. The permissions on Shelby's computer, are such that she cannot log onto the internet accept between the hours of 5:00pm to 8:00pm during the week, and 12:00pm to 8:00pm on the weekends. The PC shuts down at 8:30pm every night, making her room nice and quite for her beauty rest

So, YES, I say spy and do it dilligently, for the sake of your children and Family as a whole, because when necessary the scum will go right through you to get to their prey. Bill

I think many would agree...Thanks Bill!

Even if my kids are still very young, I'm already wondering about this problem.

I really like your method : giving her access (email included) but explaining her the danger.

I have a few problems with spying on teenagers :
- the matter of trust. Don't you think you're basically telling your daughter "I don't trust you, even if I have explained you the dangers, I still don't trust you to protect yourself. " . It can also be understand as "I don't trust you to be good", which is even worse.
- same for privacy : (especially if you're reading the emails of your kids, or even if they know you're able to) .
- how do you monitor your daughter when she's using a computer not at home ?

I also believe that Internet is not the real problem, but just another way to get in trouble. Somebody wrote about a 16yo using his parents credit card to surf on porn sites, I don't think the problem with this boy was the Internet access...

But I still don't know what I'll do with with my kids.

I really like your method : giving her access (email included) but explaining her the danger.

Thanks!

I have a few problems with spying on teenagers :

One point I was trying to make is that we don't spy on our childeren, but rather we do our jobs by monitoring their activities so as to bring healthy, respectable young adults into the world. The level I monitor at is pretty much governed by both my intuition as a 41 year-old parent, and the acts and behaviour I see coming from my daughter.

- the matter of trust. Don't you think you're basically telling your daughter "I don't trust you, even if I have explained you the dangers, I still don't trust you to protect yourself.

I feel the message I'm sending my daughter is: I trust you and I love you very much. If you trust me, than you must believe that when I monitor your internet use, it's to be sure that not only do you remain safe, but that you stay out of any mischief as well. Im your father, and thats my responsibility. One day you will be married and have childeren of you own, and if you don't understand why I do what I do now, you will then.

My daughter has no trouble understanding that she cannot protect herself from many of the things I can protect her from.

It can also be understand as "I don't trust you to be good", which is even worse.

While I try very hard to reason with Shelby, some things she is just incapable of understanding at certain levels. This happens between all parents and kids. Fortunately for our childeren, this does not cause us to rebuke our responsibilities to them. Like all things, experience brings understanding. If she does not understand today, certainly she will at some tomorrow.

how do you monitor your daughter when she's using a computer not at home ?

I cannot monitior my child when she uses other computers other than her own, to an extent. I still have copies of emails and chats. I do however depend on the schools, libraries, and other parents to monitor my child when she is in their care. Also, the habits I have been teaching Shelby should spread into her everyday thinking. She learns whats rigfht and whats wrong. If she chooses to do the wrong thing, she realizes she is put herself in the position to experience a consequence; most of which can be VERY unpleasant.

You have raised some interesting questions. Thanks

"I have a few problems with spying on teenagers : - the matter of trust. Don't you think you're basically telling your daughter "I don't trust you, even if I have explained you the dangers, I still don't trust you to protect yourself. " . It can also be understand as "I don't trust you to be good", which is even worse. - same for privacy : (especially if you're reading the emails of your kids, or even if they know you're able to) . - how do you monitor your daughter when she's using a computer not at home ?"

Spying is trying to get information that you have no right to have. The word itself doesn't apply here. Kids need privacy for matters of physical modesty, but beyond that there's nothing that is out of bounds for a parent to know, period. This sad ethic of "privacy" has done nothing but create blind spots for predators to take advantage of.

Here goes again...it's not only ethical, it is, in fact, good parenting. There are far too many potential dangers on the Internet that even the best educated child may not be aware of. After all, that 13 year old they're chatting with enthusiastically about the latest Harry Potter book might be a very dangerous person gathering information.

While mine aren't teens yet, if it ever gets to the point where they get mad at me for snooping, I'll have to ask myself whether I'd rather have them mad at me or in serious danger because I didn't snoop.